Soul Mx - How to Resolve Conflict

This is part of a series shared ecumenically with members to whom I was assigned; the goal was to start conversation and deep thought, and many of these messages led to great conversations.

How to Resolve Conflict
Original Publication Date: 17 September 2025

I want to talk to you about different ways to address conflict. I had picked this topic before Charlie Kirk was killed last week, so I considered if a different topic was more appropriate, but I think his death amplifies this message and it’s more timely than ever. I know that among our squadron there are many different views of Charlie Kirk and his life, but whether you loved, hated, or were indifferent towards him it won’t change the importance of this newsletter.

 

Benjamin Franklin said, “In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” One other thing that can be absolutely certain in life is conflict. If there was a reprieve from conflict, we wouldn’t need a Department of Defense or a Department of War, we’d all just be held in reserve status. But the truth is we’re going to have conflict: between nations, political parties, in budgets and priorities, in time management, between coworkers, between family members, and even conflict within ourselves.

In the spiritual context, conflict is not in the way of life and mission and thriving, it often is the means to grow and succeed and overcome. Conflict in our lives and between other people gives us the chance to resolve differences, heal rifts, and grow together, so in some strange way, conflict is good.

But that doesn’t mean everyone approaches conflict right; there are three major ways to address conflict, they all start with peace, but are all radically different: Peace-Faking, Peace-Breaking, and Peace-Making.

Peace-Faking is the idea that if I ignore a problem or run away from it, it won’t be my problem anymore. Out of sight, out of mind. A person who addresses conflict this way may be called “avoidant” or “escapist.” Unfortunately, many suicides can be traced to this style of conflict resolution. Charlie Hines spoke this week on base about his suicide attempt and emphasized that he was seeking to end the pain he was feeling, but he was clear that he found no peace in his attempt.

Hiding, ignoring, or running from problems feels like it’s working for a little while, until the conflict catches up to you, usually intensified from neglect. One of my first big battles as a chaplain was with a superintendent who was a classic example of peace-faking until he had no-where else to hide failed processes and hurt people; it came to my attention when I noticed a trend of Airmen from his shop in my office complaining about their toxic work-center. Unfortunately, in his case his peace-faking cost him his career through an investigation that led to his retirement.

As maintainers an example that really resonates is the Rome (Italy) Escalator Incident of 2018. Because of the cost and inconvenience of maintenance, authorities illegally disabled monitoring systems, tampered with safety systems, and pencil-whipped certifications. They got away with it too…until they didn’t…and an escalator seriously injured twenty people and put many more at risk. (No USAF endorsement, but Veritasium on YouTube just released a fascinating examination of this event)

A peace-faker can also be putting relationships ahead of mission, which sounds admirable but usually doesn’t serve either the relationship or the mission.

Peace-Breaking resolves a conflict with violence. Consider premeditated murder, where does that act start? There is planning (premeditated) involved, anger, decision, hatred, and first of all, conflict. A person who is a peace-breaker can also be called “confrontational” or “coercive.”

Assassinations fit into this category, instead of seeking resolution or middle ground, the decision is made to end the conflict using violence. Lesser styles of peace-breaking include attacking character instead of position (aka ad hominem), nit-picking, firing, and yelling.

It might feel like this ended the conflict, but if the other person or persons are just afraid of you, or avoid you, or retaliate against you, then you’ve added to the conflict. One of the best tests of this style is a quote by Colin Powell, “The day your people stop bringing you their problems is the day you stopped leading them. They have either lost confidence that you can help them or concluded that you do not care. Either case is a failure of leadership.”

Peace-breakers put the mission ahead of relationships, which works for a little while, until neither relationships nor mission are intact.

Peace-Making begins with the idea that conflict can not only be mitigated, but resolved. Having your own desires and hopes and wants is not wrong, but they will give you opportunities to resolve conflict with people whose desires, hopes, and wants are different than your own. This is not a bad thing.

We see this in world history such as after World War II, when the United States was not just not at war with West Germany and Japan, but were actively sharing resources and friendship with nations that just a few short years before were seeking each other’s destruction. My favorite peace-maker in modern history was Joshua Chamberlain who called his conquering army to salute the surrendering army, reminding soldiers on both sides that they were Americans all, and one country once again. On smaller scales I am a huge proponent of marriage counseling, having watched several cases of people who hated each other come to similar points of views and begin thriving with and loving each other.

Tools we have for peace-making are humility, forgiveness, apology, reconciliation, and—for bigger conflicts—counseling, negotiation, mediation, and arbitration. All of these have one major thing in common, they communicate through the conflict.

Peace-makers strive to heal relationships without losing sight of goals, recognizing that people perform the mission, and the mission is meant to benefit people.

Sometimes the line is not so easily drawn, such as for 20 years we employed a nuclear missile called the “Peacekeeper” which assured mutual destruction if nuclear weapons were launched. Was that peace-making or peace-breaking or peace-faking? Similarly, many decision makers have made the argument that by killing high profile peace-breakers like Saddam Hussein and Ayman Al-Zawahiri they have made the world a safer—more peaceful—place; have they succeeded? Can you make peace while preparing for war?

How About You? Most times our conflict style is easily defined, so who would you say you are? Are you confrontational? Avoidant? Or reconciliatory? Has it been good for your relationships? Your missions and priorities? Which would you want to be? How can you grow in that direction?

I’ll conclude with a trend I and other chaplains have seen. With the advent of the internet it is likely that you’ve seen traumatic things that you may not have intended to see, such as the recent and very traumatic shooting of Charlie Kirk. Many people have been seeking chaplains and other helping agencies to talk about their revulsion of seeing such a horrible video. If you’re struggling with things you’ve seen, I want to say that it is natural and good to have a revulsion to those things; I’m much more worried about people who can see things like that and have no moral injury. Your next steps in healing could be talking about it, solidifying your own morals, processing the events spiritually and ethically, and if necessary, seeking deeper counsel from someone you trust. I don’t have a monopoly on hope, but I would be honored to work through it if need be.

Last, an optional offer: one of my friends who is an author wrote a booklet about understanding suffering from a Christian perspective. I just learned that Charlie Kirk received a copy some months ago and talked about how much it impacted him and he called it “terrific”. I’ve been giving this book out for years, I have about 80 in my office if you’d like one, just let me know and I’ll get you a copy.

I’m honored to be your chaplain, and I hope together we can be peace-makers that both us, our nation, and our progeny can be proud of.

Soul Mx - Yes, If

This is part of a series shared ecumenically with members to whom I was assigned; the goal was to start conversation and deep thought, and many of these messages led to great conversations.

Yes, If
Original Publication Date: 20 August 2025

I heard a story about an American who visited Bucharest shortly after the fall of the Soviet Union. He observed an old man in his hotel painting a piece of furniture in the lobby, though after only a couple of paint strokes he would disappear into a nearby room, then return after a few seconds to apply a few more brush strokes, then another trip to the nearby room. It piqued the American’s interest so much that he had to investigate, and he found that the paint was in one room, and the furniture was in the lobby. The storyteller recounted that under the Communist regime that innovation, questioning, and individuality were frowned upon and the old man had learned to do as he was told, not to ask questions, not to move anything, not to innovate in any way, but to accomplish the task he’d been given.

No, Because

When you live under and perpetuate a culture where the answer is always “No, because…”, you stifle growth in yourself and your people. Have you ever been in a situation where the expectation is if you ask anything, good or bad, the answer is going to be “no, because…”

I’ll give an example from the maintenance world, there is a part (Air Cycle Machine) in the F-22 that is heavy enough to be a two-man lift. It’s also impossible to get two people under to remove from the airplane, so it requires a crane. Many years ago someone asked the ingenious question if we could build a T-handle so that two people could lift it out of the aircraft instead of using the crane. The answer was, “No, because if that would work the manufacturer would have already given it to us, and because the approvals and Technical Order Change Request (TOCR) would take forever.” I watched that one answer stifle creativity and innovation and morale in the entire shop. Later we did get engineer support and metals-tech buy-in and the tool was well on its way to approval when I left the F-22 program, because it was an awesome idea.

When we say “No, because…” we give a definite denial, and in most cases that’s not good for anyone. Time constraints and legal concerns are the only time I can think of where we’d want to use “No, because the AFI expressly forbids it” or “No, I can’t train you right now because this line needs to fly in five minutes and lives depend on it.”

Yes, If

A much better response provides a conditional approval, and puts the responsibility on the asker to make good decisions. From the Bucharest story, perhaps the helpful answer would be, “Yes, you can move the paint closer to the furniture, if it will make you a more efficient painter and you make provisions not to spill paint on the carpet.”

“Yes, if” gives hope and opportunity, fosters innovation, and gives people a stake in the success of the project. It’s better for everyone involved, even if the “if” is impossible, such as if the budget cannot support or the task proves impossible, then the “if” is saying no, not you.

I want to encourage you that this should be your default answer. I’ve spoken with a half-dozen Airmen across the base in the past month who feel they are not being mentored or trained, and who get shut down every time they ask a question. If someone asks you for help, consider saying, “Yes, if you’ll check out tools and pay attention and ask questions and your supervisor agrees.” It puts the onus on them to make it easy for you to say yes, but your willingness to say yes is there.

“Yes, if” also serves to keep you from being perceived as the bad guy. At my last base I had someone ask to do something that amounted to money-laundering; it would have been easy to yell and berate, but instead I said, “You for sure can do that, so long as you are prepared to spend years in prison and be an Airman Basic for the rest of your life.” They got the point and considered the legality of their request and came up with a better, even legal, plan.

My crowning achievement as a supervisor was “Airman Drive Fridays” where I’d give the radio, board, and (if they had a flightline driver’s license) the expediter van to someone who was years from being an expediter. Many great experiences came from that, but I’ll always remember a Friday where my Pro-Super (who is a Chief now) and I were talking about our low-manning on that particular day. I told him I was going to put an Airman in the seat for “Airman Drive Fridays”, and he said, “Well then it better be TSgt fixes airplanes and takes out the trash Friday.” His point was taken, he wanted me to have latitude to run my shop, but not to hinder the mission, it was “yes, if” without using those exact words. At the end of the night when I took out the trash he laughed and said he didn’t really mean it, but if that’s what it took to get to yes, it was worth it.

I’m not perfect at this, but I was beyond proud when the phrase, “find a way to yes” ended up on my going-away plaque (which I didn’t write) from my previous assignment.

Make It Easy for Me to Say Yes

Consider this when asking for a yes: how can you anticipate those “if” questions? An example we’re all familiar with is taking leave; your training and IMR have to be up to date and the manning of the shop has to be able to compensate. Therefore “Can I take leave?” is not so good as, “I’m up to date on TFAT and IMR, so-and-so will be here to take the reins on these dates, can I take leave?”

I don’t know if it’s my old-age or just a general frustration, but I find myself responding more and more these days with, “Go think this through and come back when you’ve made it easier for me to say yes.” I think about that every time I ask for something, have I made it easy for them to say yes? Have I anticipated the “if” questions?

Conclusion

It’s easy to say “no”. But that’s not good for you or your people. It will take practice to get closer to “Yes, If” and getting to a yes, but I promise it will be worth it. The real benefit of having a default yes answer is you’ll be more approachable, people will enjoy working for and with you, and you get to watch people grow in amazing ways. Many leadership books and examples abound, and they all agree that “yes” drastically improved the cultures of their organizations.

Can you think of any times that “no, because” hindered you or “yes, if” encouraged you? How about Air Force examples? We’re the greatest Air Force in the world, and the innovation that has brought us to this point was built on a lot of “yes, if” answers, and if we continue to innovate and own the skies, it will be because a lot of “yes, if” answers are in our future.

Here’s the question I know is on your mind, “Chaplain, can we get together either in your office or for a meal to discuss this or another topic I’ve been wanting to talk about?”

Yes, if you reach out and we schedule it!

Soul Mx - Opportunity is Earned

This is part of a series shared ecumenically with members to whom I was assigned; the goal was to start conversation and deep thought, and many of these messages led to great conversations.

Opportunity is Earned
Original Publication Date: 28 July 2025

Air Force Recruiting recently posted a somewhat humorous advertisement using 2nd Lt Braeden Holcombe, an Olympian specializing in jumping hurdles. The caption is, “There is no limit to who you can become as an Airman.” While Lt Holcombe’s achievement is absolutely amazing, I had to chuckle at the caption because having just come off of foot surgery, there is a definite limit: I will never again be able clear a single hurdle, let alone compete in the hurdles or steeplechase.

But, the quote did inspire me, because while I can’t vouch for “no limit”, I can say that there are amazing opportunities presented to each of us in the Air Force. Here’s the downside, we have to reach out and lay hold of them, they don’t just fall in our laps. Nobody made Lt Holcombe seize his opportunity, but he earned the opportunity given.

A dream doesn’t become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination, and hard work. Opportunity is earned, not given. ~ Colin Powell

The problem with opportunity is the old adage, “it only knocks once,” and many times we don’t answer. The main thing I’d like you to get from this message is when opportunity knocks is to at least ask, “Whose there? What do you want with me?” if you don’t fling open the door.

Sorry (not sorry) for the length of this newsletter, I got fired up writing it and couldn’t bear to cut anything.

Education

When I used to host an FTEC breakfast, I would ask our newest Airmen for the reasons they joined, I found it was easier to get a show of hands for the big reasons: “To see the world?” “To get out of a bad situation?” “To serve your country?” "Family tradition?" “To get an education?” Education always had 75%+ hands raised, and education is a great recruiting tool. But I meet Airmen everyday who joined to go to school, but have failed to seize that opportunity, some have even retired. If you joined to go to school, but your priorities changed, that’s one thing, but if you just haven’t stepped out to pursue education, to work on a certification, license, or degree, fortunately that opportunity is most likely still open to you. You've earned that opportunity, TAKE IT!

Like many, I joined to go to school, and the Air Force has spent a ridiculous amount of money and time to send me to school, much of it while working 10- or 12-hour shifts on mids on the flightline. I thought the door was finally closed to further educational opportunities, but I was just offered and received a grant for a Masters in Leadership, and am now enrolled in 1 class a term. If this old worn out chaplain can do it, you have no excuse; if you think you have an excuse, I want to hear it.

Encouragement

One of the 5 Love Languages is “Words of Encouragement”, I’ll be honest, it used to be my least favorite, until I had a boss who was an expert at it. I almost came to expect that after an especially difficult midnight emergency call or a big event that within a couple hours I’d get an encouraging text. When he PCS’d I realized how much those messages meant to me. They were timely.

Encouraging people can be hard if you’ve never done it, but I’m confident you can learn. Be specific, “When you did specific thing, I appreciated your specific attributes.” It’s as easy as that. Here’s a real example I used from last week, “When you figured out that money snafu that would have wrecked this chapel event, I appreciate how you never give up and recognize how important these events are to Airmen.” A little encouragement can go a long way to building up people.

Apology

Apologies should be timely as well, the opportunity for reconciliation can fade quickly, so if there is someone you need to apologize to, do it soon. The power of an apology to heal relationships, clear the air, and bring peace cannot be overstated.

Correction

I’ve always loved the “on-the-spot correction” model, that if you see something, say something immediately. I was out on a training-op in the middle of the night with the Army before I became a chaplain, and unbeknownst to many of us, the lead Humvee missed a turn; a few miles later we came to an unexpected fork in the road, then we spent an hour an a half parked (as targets if it was real-world) trying to fix our navigation. Maybe the lead Humvee learned something from the observer letting them miss that turn, but I know the rest of the convoy learned nothing but frustration.

We also have the opportunity to accept correction. People who ignore correction only heap up paperwork and consternation from their leadership, and don’t grow. The next time you’re corrected, accept it as a opportunity to do better, not to get mad at the one correcting you.

    Every challenge is an opportunity to lead, grow, and make a difference. ~ JoAnne Bass

Mentorship

You can try to mentor people at your last base, but it’s much easier to mentor people right in front of you. Often that door closes, yesterday was the 15-year remembrance of a good friend taking his life, I'd give anything to be able to reach back and say more to him.

Similarly, you can reach back for mentorship, but the leaders in front of you are timely, focused, and available. PCS’s and time will steal your opportunity to be an effective mentor or be mentored. When the opportunity presents itself, grab on and run with it! I’m looking forward to taking an aspiring chaplain candidate to lunch next week to see if I can help to get him to be one of our newest chaplains. He’s driving in from Amarillo, and I’m glad he’s taking that opportunity.

In mentoring, you're giving others opportunities to succeed. I can trace much of my Air Force (and life) success to one man, MSgt Brian Payne, who gave me an opportunity to deploy as a 3-level when I'd only been on base for all of 5 days (when he signed me up). I hope there are Airmen who would put my name in that “success” category, and I hope you’re living your life so there are many who would put your name in that category.

All of Life

Other opportunities exist in volunteering, special duties, tiger teams, one-off jobs, etc. One of my favorite lessons I taught FTEC Airmen was “Volunteer for Everything.” I need to dust that training off and get it to you.

It also applies to your personal life, I drove 2 hours one way to take my-now-wife on our first date, having no idea if it would work out. Our local schools, nursing homes, zoos, parks, hospices, etc. would love to have your help if you so desire opportunities to invest in the community. If you can't say, "Yes, absolutely!" to opportunity, at least consider "Yes, if." (That's probably the next Soul Mx topic).

I spoke to a young family who is doing awesome work in the Eastern New Mexico community fostering babies; I’m glad they’ve seized that opportunity while they're stationed in Eastern New Mexico.

Conclusion

Opportunities abound, the best time to take them is when they first knock; if you missed that opportunity, the second best time is right now. There is risk involved, but nothing ventured, nothing gained; get out there are take some risks to pursue opportunity, and let me know if and how it was worth it.

Soul Mx - Bullets, Beans, Bandages, and Training

This is part of a series shared ecumenically with members to whom I was assigned; the goal was to start conversation and deep thought, and many of these messages led to great conversations.

Bullets, Beans, Bandages, and Training
Original Publication Date: 13 June 2025

If you checked the news this morning you saw that Israel struck Iran last night and is bracing for a counterstrike. From a chaplain/spiritual standpoint I’m addressing this because I had five conversations in the squadron yesterday when this was just a rumor, and a couple more this morning; if seven of us are thinking about this, that’s a trend, and worth addressing. All of those conversations touched on preparedness, uncertainty for the future, and personal responsibility.

 

Being Air Commandos, you are more aware than the average Airman or American that the world is a dangerous and unstable place. It’d be easy to sit in our cozy corner of New Mexico and ignore that there are people in the world would do great harm to others if given the chance, but if we ignored those signs, we wouldn’t prepare for the challenges of the future, and we’d lose.

 

When hostilities commence, LRS likes to say, “We can send you more bullets, beans, and bandages.” But what they can’t send you is more training or preparedness; what you have available on the day you need it is what you’ve got. I had a Command Chief whose motto was, “Stay Ready to Be Ready!” Every time I heard her say that, I was reminded of one of Aesop’s Fables, called “The Wild Boar and the Fox”. Because the copyright ran out about two-and-a-half millennia ago, here it is in full:

 

A Wild Boar was sharpening his tusks busily against the stump of a tree, when a Fox happened by. Now the Fox was always looking for a chance to make fun of his neighbors. So he made a great show of looking anxiously about, as in fear of some hidden enemy. But the Boar kept right on with his work.

“Why are you doing that?” asked the Fox at last with a grin. “There isn’t any danger that I can see.” 

“True enough,” replied the Boar, “but when danger does come there will not be time for such work as this. My weapons will have to be ready for use then, or I shall suffer for it.” 

Preparedness for war is the best guarantee of peace. (Source/Translation by the Library of Congress)

 

When I initially think of staying ready I think of maintaining our base, our CV-22s and MQ-9s, our tools, our upgrade training, and keeping our readiness trackers green. While important, that is just a piece of our mission and life. There is so much more to prepare for and grow into to get ready for the challenges that lay ahead. I gave a brief recently to a group of deployers and I mentioned that I trusted that they were well trained to do the job the Air Force assigned to them. One NCO in the audience beamed at this statement. But then I mentioned that I was less convinced they were all ready to spiritually face the challenges ahead; I don’t know why, but that NCOs countenance fell.

 

How about you? Are you ready if you’re called upon tomorrow? How are you preparing yourself spiritually today so you can face challenges tomorrow? Is your perseverance honed? Are your tusks sharp?

 

I’ve asked NDI for a “Hope Scanner”, something that can non-destructively measure how spiritually fit you are. It would make my job a lot easier, but so far they haven’t delivered, so we’ve got to self-analyze.

 

I’d like to encourage you today to consider what you believe about where you came from, why you’re here, and what happens after you die. For First Amendment reasons it’s not right for me to impose any answers, but studies have shown if you can answer those questions, no matter your answers, and you’re involved in a community, then all of your spiritual fitness measurements will increase (There’s much more to the studies than that, but that’s the gist). When it comes to war, we don’t want a fair fight; we want the best equipment, the best training, the best support, and the best chance of coming home physically intact. I want you to equally improve your chances of coming home spiritually intact with no regrets, and for you to bring home your Wingmen in the same great shape.

 

A battlefield chaplain can potentially help you do that, just like a CV-22 can save the day by bringing in the Bullets, Beans, and Bandages in the heat of the moment; but you’ll be in a much better place if you can figure it out now before you need it. Standing by if I or SrA Darst can help!

 

“Stay Ready to Be Ready!” ~ CMSgt (R) Rochelle Hemingway

Soul Mx - Relationship Repair

This is part of a series shared ecumenically with members to whom I was assigned; the goal was to start conversation and deep thought, and many of these messages led to great conversations.

Relationship Repair
Original Publication Date: 15 May 2025

I learned something a couple of years ago that rocked how I look at the world. According to “When Helping Hurts”, in the United States the definition of poverty generally involves a lack of material possessions; but in much of the world the definition of poverty is the inability to fix broken relationships.

If the measurement of wealth or poverty is based on fixing relationships, how do you measure up? How confident are you in being able to return a code-3 (or code-5) relationship back to code-1? Do you have the right tools?

 

Let me tell you the story of 2 toolboxes at Tyndall AFB. I’m not sure what the first toolbox was designed to fix, but it wasn’t F-22s. When I arrived I was shocked at how many tools it had that I never used, and how often it didn’t have the tool(s) I needed. After recognizing this problem, my awesome support section helped me to build my own brand-new F-22 specific toolbox which was purpose built to return F-22s to fully-mission-capable status in record time. We even emblazoned “IF IT’S IN THE AIR, THIS BOX PUT IT THERE” on the front. Having the right tools made all the difference.

 

Fixing broken relationships requires tools as well. Relationships don’t just have to be romantic, they can be with any person or people you interact with.

 

The first and most important tool is communication, being able to express yourself and understand the problem. Setting expectations and expressing them to another person is the first step in working towards resolution.

 

This sets us up to have a defined goal, something that is agreed upon and achievable. What criteria determines if the relationship is still broken or if it’s fixed?

 

Another tool is forgiveness. This one doesn’t get used nearly enough and probably has a lot of dust on it in our relationship toolboxes. Being willing to give and accept forgiveness heals all sorts of wounds and fosters healthier relationships.

 

Setting boundaries can also really help in the repair process. Just like it’d be hard to fix an engine while it’s running, or an airplane that’s flying, we need to set clear expectations for behaviors that are not beneficial to the repair process.

 

Some tools may be for specialty situations. Counseling is an expensive option for many people, but for you in the military it’s paid for by the Air Force. Your IRON team, made up of True North Social Workers, MFLCs, Chaplains/RAAs, coaches, and coordinators (and any I missed) can do wonders to get a relationship back to code-1. Maybe you can say something cheesy afterwards: “It’s a great relationship because these tools got us there.”

 

Are there any broken relationships in your life? How confident are you that you can fix them? Do you want to fix them? Which tools do you need? Do you know how to use these tools? Can we help?

I could make better things if I had tools, and I could make tools if I had tools to make tools. ~ Eli Whitney

Soul Mx - Activity or Addiction

This is part of a series shared ecumenically with members to whom I was assigned; the goal was to start conversation and deep thought, and many of these messages led to great conversations.

Activity or Addiction
Original Publication Date: 17 March 2025

I hope you’ve been enjoying this warm weather and getting to see and enjoy New Mexico and the surrounding areas. I finally made it to Carlsbad Caverns and learned there is a Stone Henge replica in Odessa Texas; it’s not quite a destination, but if you’re in the area it’s worth stopping to see and contemplate.

 

As we move into warmer months it’s an unfortunate fact that Air Force wide Airmen will get themselves into trouble. Sometimes this is because of a one-time mistake, but usually it’s the culmination of many lesser behaviors that come to a culminating event. Often this reveals addictions we may not have even realized we had.

 

So the first question to ask is, “How do I know if I am enjoying something or I’m addicted to it?” The Mayo clinic gives these signs of an addiction (not all inclusive):

 

• Activity causes financial or legal trouble
• Inability to stop
• Increased tolerance – always needing/wanting more
• Activity causes loss of self-control
• Activity causes neglecting responsibilities or relationships
• Hiding activity from others

 

The summary of an addiction is that you’re not control anymore, but something is in control of you. In my faith tradition we say, “Whatever overcomes a person owns that person.” One of the best ways to tell if you own your activities/hobbies or they own you is to take a short break from them. We’ve all heard, “I can quit anytime I want!” Prove it: quit for a predetermined amount of time; 24 hours, a week, a month, maybe forever depending on the costs and/or benefits.

 

If you can’t stop of your own accord, Dr. Heath Lambert, a recognized expert on breaking addictions, says you need three things to indulge in an addiction, and removing any one of them will help:

 

1. The opportunity
2. The time
3. The desire

 

If you remove any one of those, you not only won’t—you can’t—indulge an addiction. Let’s say the addiction is alcohol, if you don’t have any alcohol, you won’t over imbibe. If you do have access, but you don’t have time, you can’t indulge.

 

But the most important aspect of an addiction is the desire. Without a desire it doesn’t matter how much access or time you have: you won’t do it.

 

Breaking a desire is where the spiritual pillar shines. Wherever you get strength to improve yourself and others is the best option to fight addiction. Whether that’s in a deity or faith/community group or personal conviction or something else, someone’s personal spirituality is where I take people when helping them break their addictive habits, and I’ll bear testimony that I’ve seen wonderful results. Maybe your spirituality is strong enough to help you without someone else’s intervention, or may it’s something worth talking about with an MFLAC, or personal mentor, or your chaplain or Religious Affairs Airman, or someone else you trust.

 

There are great things in this world to enjoy and help you press towards bigger and better things, but almost all of those things can overcome us and take us places we didn’t want to go, cost us more than we wanted to pay, and keep us longer than we ever wanted to stay. Let me encourage you today to take a moment to consider who is in control of your life and how it will turn out: Is it you or some activity or substance?

Soul Mx - Fix It or Trash It

This is part of a series shared ecumenically with members to whom I was assigned; the goal was to start conversation and deep thought, and many of these messages led to great conversations.

Fix It or Trash It
Original Publication Date: 18 February 2025

I once had a friend who had a taillight go out. When we pointed out the burned-out bulb he became visibly frustrated and declared, “I’m done with this car!” He wasn’t joking, a few days later he traded it in for a new car.

As resilient maintainers you know that a lightbulb is an inexpensive and easy repair, and it’s not the end of a vehicle’s usefulness. But if you’re not resilient and your mindset is to throw things away instead of fixing them, then a minor inconvenience turns into a major event; frustrating, expensive, and life-changing.

Spiritual resilience can come from many places, but I’d argue that they all have this in common: Broken does not mean irredeemable. Most things are fixable. One of my crowning maintenance achievements was in rebuilding F-22 1018 after its APU lit on fire while trying to evacuate for a hurricane. In a perfect world where we had as many F-22s as we could want and the assembly line was still open, Raptor 18 would have almost certainly been written off as a total loss. But because we need every F-22 we can get, we invested 8 months of tiger teams and factory service reps and new structures and wire harnesses and ducting, ship 18 took to the skies again costing 20% more than it did before the fire.

If you’re working on an airplane this week, what are you fixing? How much does it cost (I’d bet it’s not cheap)? How ridiculous would it be if we decided to scrap the whole aircraft because of the repair you’re making? What if broken meant irredeemable?

Yet I meet Airmen every week who are ready to scrap their career or worse just because they’ve made mistakes or life isn’t going the way they want. I’m not shy in sharing the many pieces of adverse paperwork I’ve collected over my career. Most of those were earned and I shudder when I think of the cost in broken equipment, lost manhours, embarrassing situations, and stupid decisions. But if we don’t let these things break us, we can repair, recover, and redeem all of our circumstances. Maybe they do close one door to us, but that doesn’t mean we’re grounded forever, and a huge part of spiritual resilience is recognizing that mistakes are not the end. Often times they can even make us better maintainers, supervisors, friends, and people.

“Franken-bird” is in the news this week; that's a nick-name for two F-35s damaged, seemingly beyond repair, that proved that scrapped airplanes can fly again.

I like how Thomas Edison said it, “I have not failed, I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work!” He also said, “I have gotten a lot of results! I know several thousand things that won’t work.” If he had given up on the first failure imagine where we'd be, there is even a reasonably good chance we wouldn't be reading this on a computer monitor which draws its direct lineage all the way back to his inventions.

As your chaplain I can’t fix much on my own, but I have direct access to powerful redemption tools that can make the most broken life and career airworthy again. Stop by my office or give me a call for a free damage assessment and a plan for recovery.

Soul Mx - Make Your Dashes Count

 This is part of a series shared ecumenically with members to whom I was assigned; the goal was to start conversation and deep thought, and many of these messages led to great conversations.

Make Your Dashes Count
Original Publication Date: 9 January 2025

As we remember Jimmy Carter we are reminded that all human beings get a birthdate and a deathdate and a little dash in the middle. For Jimmy Carter it was 1924 – 2024. Many people are remembering President Carter for the impact he had in their lives, both nationally and personally. If you’re the only president to date to live to 100, or your life is shorter, that little dash tells a story that belongs to your life. Many people have said, “Make your dash count.”

Biography is one of my favorite literary styles because we get to see how those dashes have motivated, encouraged, impacted, and intersected with others, and it recently jumped out at me that each of us gets more than one dash. Jimmy Carter had a dash for his life, but also one for his presidency 1977 – 1981, and a dash for his Navy service 1946 – 1961; we could also look at dashes for his education, marriage, fatherhood, volunteer service, and church membership, etc.

In the Air Force, we can consider people like Hap Arnold 1886 – 1950, John Cannon 1892 – 1955, Esther Blake 1897 – 1979, Robin Olds 1922 – 2007, Jerry Hodges 1925 – 2024 and a host of many others who have another dash that represents their active service to the Air Force. We have that dash in common. But our dashes impact and intersect with other people that theirs cannot and maybe do not (If you don’t know those stories I encourage you to look them up). Our dashes make differences in ways that are just as important, only to different people.

A couple years ago a popular non-official Air Force social media site asked, “How have you made the Air Force a better place?” I loved the question, but I did not love the answers. Many of the answers were cynical, talking about just showing up on time, or doing their job to the minimum requirements, and a surprising number of answers talked about earning a DD-214 (separation paperwork) as how they made the service better. If we only get one dash in the Air Force and another on this earth, how can we make sure we don't waste them and instead make them count?

Are you making your dashes count? How are you making the Air Force a better place? My Air Force dash started in 2003 –  but it's not over yet, and I hope being your chaplain helps to make your dash, and my dash, more meaningful.

A good character is the best tombstone. Those who were helped by you and loved by you will remember you when the flowers have faded. Write your name on hearts, not on marble. ~ Charles Spurgeon 1834 – 1892

Soul Mx - Resolutions and Goals

This is part of a series shared ecumenically with members to whom I was assigned; the goal was to start conversation and deep thought, and many of these messages led to great conversations.

Resolutions and Goals
Original Publication Date: 18 December 2024

As we come up to the end of the year with all the hustle and bustle of the holidays, I thought this would be a perfect time to talk about priorities and goals. Many people will set New Years Resolutions in the next few weeks, and statistics show that many, if not most, of those will fail (The most optimistic studies say 43% fail, the most pessimistic say 92% fail, and the average is an 80% failure rate). With such high-failure rates, is it a bad thing to resolve to make changes for the better?

 

When we talk about fitness the measurement we like to use for positive development is growth. Spiritual Fitness is no different, and striving to grow as a person is a good thing. It’s not so easy to measure as lifting weights, or run times, or test scores, but that doesn’t mean it’s not measurable. I like to use the example of a newborn baby, they have practically no muscle mass, they can’t lift their heads, let alone bench-press anything, but within a few short weeks, months, years (the days are long, but the years are short) they are able to accomplish great things with the muscles they’ve gained. Similarly, if you’ve been around a newborn, you also know they were born with no self-control, patience, nor empathy, but given a few long years, they grow in each of those things. You and I likewise have far more growth in our lives than we did just a few short years ago, but I hope you’re not content with where you are and that you want to keep growing. Take a moment to think about where you’ve come from and some of the growth in your life.

 

As you think about the future, whether you make resolutions or not, consider where you are weak and how you need to grow. Don’t neglect any the pillars: physical, mental, cognitive (new this year, similar but different from mental), social, and spiritual. On the spiritual side, a list that many people in my faith tradition hold to is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.

 

Which one of those (or insert your own) sounds like you need to grow the most? Maybe it’s one of those, or maybe it’s knowledge in your job, or preparing for future roles, or getting in better shape, or being a more intentional friend or supervisor. My personal goal over the next year is to finish a book that I’ve been talking about writing (and slowly working on) for at least four years.

 

I love the S.M.A.R.T. model of goal setting, that it should be Specific, Measurable, Attainable (Realistic), Relevant, and Time-Specific. Many resolutions fail because they are far too broad, they say, “I will get in shape.” Studies show that a broad goal can produce exactly the opposite effects. Far better is “Starting January 2nd I will spend at least 20 minutes every even-numbered day working out based on an established fitness plan, by March 15^th I will meet my strength (20% increase) and cardio (15% off my run time) goals. I will not give up if I miss a day or a few days.” Another example is, “I want to finish my CCAF.” Better is, “By February 1^st I will understand which classes I have left by talking to someone at the education office, by March 1^st I will have a school picked out, by April 1^st I will apply, by June 1^st I will be enrolled in a class towards my CCAF, and by August 1^st I will know my graduation date.” Maybe those dates get significantly changed along the way, but that’s part of growth too.

 

I often hear “I want to get deeper into my faith.” Far better is “I will seek out a mentor or peer who has the same goal for me/us and will hold me accountable to a plan we make together to be more intentional, faithful, and loving.” One that stands out from years ago was someone who said, “I’m going to come every day at 0630 before work to study with you.” It was specific, but it wasn’t realistic, and it didn’t last a week.

 

Occasionally we hit goals without being S.M.A.R.T. about them, but like I talked about on training day, that’s a dangerous place to be because you were rewarded without doing the right thing. When we aim at a high and lofty goal, even when we don’t attain our goal we accomplish great things. But a well thought out goal is unlikely to miss. I have a couple of enlisted Air Commandos on base right now that I’m helping to hopefully become future chaplains; it is a long road to walk, but as I’ve been seeking to encourage them I am constantly reminded that improving yourself is never a waste, even if you don’t attain your ultimate goal.

 

Standing by to help you set priorities and goals for next year. And I’ll close with another open invite: my home is open on Christmas if you have no where else to go, reach out via e-mail, phone, or in-person for details.