Soul Mx - Relationship Repair

This is part of a series shared ecumenically with members to whom I was assigned; the goal was to start conversation and deep thought, and many of these messages led to great conversations.

Relationship Repair
Original Publication Date: 15 May 2025

I learned something a couple of years ago that rocked how I look at the world. According to “When Helping Hurts”, in the United States the definition of poverty generally involves a lack of material possessions; but in much of the world the definition of poverty is the inability to fix broken relationships.

If the measurement of wealth or poverty is based on fixing relationships, how do you measure up? How confident are you in being able to return a code-3 (or code-5) relationship back to code-1? Do you have the right tools?

 

Let me tell you the story of 2 toolboxes at Tyndall AFB. I’m not sure what the first toolbox was designed to fix, but it wasn’t F-22s. When I arrived I was shocked at how many tools it had that I never used, and how often it didn’t have the tool(s) I needed. After recognizing this problem, my awesome support section helped me to build my own brand-new F-22 specific toolbox which was purpose built to return F-22s to fully-mission-capable status in record time. We even emblazoned “IF IT’S IN THE AIR, THIS BOX PUT IT THERE” on the front. Having the right tools made all the difference.

 

Fixing broken relationships requires tools as well. Relationships don’t just have to be romantic, they can be with any person or people you interact with.

 

The first and most important tool is communication, being able to express yourself and understand the problem. Setting expectations and expressing them to another person is the first step in working towards resolution.

 

This sets us up to have a defined goal, something that is agreed upon and achievable. What criteria determines if the relationship is still broken or if it’s fixed?

 

Another tool is forgiveness. This one doesn’t get used nearly enough and probably has a lot of dust on it in our relationship toolboxes. Being willing to give and accept forgiveness heals all sorts of wounds and fosters healthier relationships.

 

Setting boundaries can also really help in the repair process. Just like it’d be hard to fix an engine while it’s running, or an airplane that’s flying, we need to set clear expectations for behaviors that are not beneficial to the repair process.

 

Some tools may be for specialty situations. Counseling is an expensive option for many people, but for you in the military it’s paid for by the Air Force. Your IRON team, made up of True North Social Workers, MFLCs, Chaplains/RAAs, coaches, and coordinators (and any I missed) can do wonders to get a relationship back to code-1. Maybe you can say something cheesy afterwards: “It’s a great relationship because these tools got us there.”

 

Are there any broken relationships in your life? How confident are you that you can fix them? Do you want to fix them? Which tools do you need? Do you know how to use these tools? Can we help?

I could make better things if I had tools, and I could make tools if I had tools to make tools. ~ Eli Whitney