Biblical Marriage Counseling

Years ago, completely inundated and flustered and frustrated with the ridiculousness that passes for “Christian” and “Biblical” Marriage counseling, I wrote the following on the simplest form of biblical marriage counseling:

Husband: Love your wife.
Wife: Respect your husband.
Which of you is not doing that?
Repent and start doing that.
End of counseling session.
No charge.

Many people were irate when I first wrote that and many undoubtedly will be irate today. It defies human wisdom and the vast majority of academia. Spurgeon said, “Men think themselves wiser than the Word of the Lord, and sit in judgment upon it.” Denying the simplicity of the godly wisdom of Ephesians 5:33 gives an excuse for those who have been to “biblical counseling” who are no better today than when they started, and often are worse. They think it’s not their fault, it’s not their counselor’s fault, but it is the failure of God’s Word.

And that’s a symptom of the current culture because most of what passes as biblical counseling is not biblical. One counselee described it, “it felt like those sessions were just scheduled times for my wife to blame me for all my faults.” Counselors get mired in symptoms and definitions and techniques and fail to teach the most basic tenets of biblical marriage. The feminization of pastoral counseling and chasing after the wind of secular counseling has resulted in a plethora of excuses and finger pointing.

Dan Phillips recently put it this way,

Q: What should be the consequences of a husband not loving his wife?
A: Fry his hind end, because it's all his fault.
Q: What should be the consequences of a wife not respecting her husband?
A: Fry his hind end, because it's all his fault.
#TheDiscussionThusFar

The Bible does not give the wife an option to stop respecting her husband because he is not respectable (see 1 Peter 3:1-2), nor does the husband have the option to stop loving his wife because she is unlovable (see Eph 5:25, Rom 5:8). And, despite what so many feminized counselors would say, don’t think that love means nice. Love means sacrifice and sanctification (see Rev 3:19).

It reminds me of one of my favorite parables which I have retold many times and expanded upon,

A wife, completely embittered and exasperated by her marriage, visits a divorce lawyer to explore her options. She spends the session explaining to the lawyer everything her husband has done wrong and why he has made her so miserable for so many years. She concludes by stating, “I want this divorce to hurt him as much as he has hurt me.” 

The lawyer, a devout feminist, with malice in her eyes responds, “Here’s what you need to do. Don’t tell your husband about the divorce for the next month. Over the next month we’re going to show him how great a woman he is losing, and we’ll really make his head spin when we take not just the kids, the house, and his pension, but his excellent wife as well. Here’s what you need to do:

• Everytime he does something hurtful don’t respond in kind.
• Everytime he does something thoughtful make sure you show your appreciation.
• Everytime he is a bad father hold your tongue and take that opportunity to love your kids.
• Everytime he is a good father make sure to notice and verbalize your approval to the kids.
• Everytime he misses an appointment or a dinner because of work, thank him for providing.
• Everytime he makes an appointment or a dinner, thank him for making time for the family.
• Everytime he fails to help around the house, step up and be his helper.
• Everytime he helps around the house notice it and thank him for his aid.
• Everytime he kisses you goodbye, kiss him back.
• Everytime he doesn’t kiss you goodbye, kiss him hello when he comes back.
• Everytime he forgets to pray for you, pray for him.
• Everytime he prays for you, thank him for his spiritual leadership.
• Everytime he says something stupid, discuss the topic with him.
• Everytime he says something profound, commend his wisdom.
• Etcetera: You get the point. 

The month goes by, then another month, and the lawyer starts to wonder. She calls her client and asks, “When are you going to come in to start the divorce?”

“Divorce?! I’m not divorcing him! Why would I divorce him? He’s the greatest husband and father in the world!”

Love begets respect and respect begets love. A lack of the one does not justify withholding the other.

Husband: love your wife. She doesn’t respect you? Love her anyways.

Wife: respect your husband. He doesn’t love you? Respect him anyways.

End of article.

No charge.