Daddy Tax!

Today marked an Easter Egg Hunt which provided each of our children with about 2lbs of candy. As they started to tear open wrappers and sort chocolates from sweets from sours from gum I saw my chance. Not just my chance to have some candy, but my chance to instill a lifelong lesson on generosity and the source of all good things.

“Daddy Tax!” I declared as I picked out some of my favorites from the candy buckets. Only the littlest one looked at me with a scowl before it quickly melted into a smile. All of the rest know the routine.

I’ve been doing this for a while, but I’ve been consistent in it since early 2016 when we were providing care for a five year old girl. She asked for a snack and I happily gave her some gummies and Goldfish®, then, out of habit, I said, “Daddy Tax”, and helped myself to a few fish and gummies from her plate. Her wrath was quickly kindled, “Hey! That’s mine.” Words fail me to describe her meltdown that ensued. After gaining some semblance of calmness I asked, “Did you pay for these?” “No.” “Did you go to the store and bring them home?” “No.” “These aren’t yours, these are mine, and I’ve decided to give you some because I care about you.”

This is a vital lesson to teach your children, that everything they have, from their snacks and candy all the way to the air they breathe belongs to God. Not a single thing we have has come from a source other than God. He explained during the rebuilding of the temple that it wasn’t small or unassuming because God couldn’t afford a better temple, but because it’s what he intended, “The silver is mine, and the gold is mine (Haggai 2:8).” Elsewhere this is reiterated, “He is not served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything (Acts 17:25).”

You may come up with a better name than I have, I tried variations on “tithing” but they just didn’t stick for the kids. It is meant to be silly and fun in one sense, but it is also meant in another sense to turn their hearts to the realization that is God who gives them every good thing.

After Notre Dame burned earlier this week over $1B was pledged to the rebuilding. There was some very strange entitled backlash against those pledges. Some said, “The fact that billionaires have pledged…to fix it just really puts into perspective how easily rich people could help solve world issues if they cared (cited from the Public Domain).” I hope to be teaching my children that the problem with the world is not a lack of stuff or money or food, because God has lavished on us every thing we need, but the problem with the world is a matter of hearts that rebel in every way against Heaven and put their hope in everything but God.

My children’s problem (and yours and mine) is that our natural heart inclination is that we can be sufficient in and of our own selves, that if we only had more, owned more, knew more, lived more, were given more, held onto more...then we would be happy. "Daddy Tax" is one effort to teach that every good gift we have comes from above, and that God gives us much more than we can ask or imagine. If he gave us his Son will he not give us graciously all things?

For further reading, see 2 Corinthians 8 and 9!

You will be enriched in every way to be generous in every way! ~ 2 Corinthians 9:11

The Importance of Routine

We have an evening routine that goes like this:

1. Read

2. Sing (Hymnal or Otherwise)

3. Pray

4. Sing (Bedtime)

5. Hugs and Kisses

Having a routine is a hard thing to do. I am tempted to say, “In today’s day and age” but I believe routine has always been hard to do, and I won’t give you or I the excuse that our smart-phones are to blame. If we’re not redeeming our time and planning our lives then we have ourselves to blame first.

I am far from perfect in this regard, but I see the value in it. I recently heard someone say that the first step in teaching a boy to resist the temptation of pornography starts years before when we teach them that bedtime means bedtime. I see the truth in this, it is training a child in the way he should go, so that when he is old he will not depart from it.

Your routine doesn’t have to look like our routine, as long as it looks like your routine.

We start our bedtime routine about forty-five minutes before bedtime. We begin by reading something, future articles will address some of the books we’ve especially enjoyed and some different Bible devotionals, but the important thing here is that you are reading to your kids. This teaches them to sit down, focus their attention, and that there is more to learn and hear than mom and/or dad can offer in the world. I would only recommend to start that you pick something you agree with, but within only a few months I believe it’s fine to read books that need to be discussed.

Then, we sing a song or two. If I’m especially prepared then I’ll have something prepared that matches the reading, but I’m not usually that prepared. For example, we recently read about the Bronze Serpent lifted up in the wilderness and then sang “Set Your Eyes” by Jonathan and Emily Martin. We have two hymnals, the Baptist Hymnal, and Hymns of Grace, and we employ both regularly. We also assign each child a hymn that we have chosen for them, and then they usually choose one for themselves also. Our oldest daughter for example was assigned “Before the Throne of God Above” but she chose “Joy to the World” as her personal hymn. We usually allow dancing during the singing, but we really encourage singing along. Sometimes we throw in a silly song like Baby Shark or 5 Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed (since that song is about our middlest daughter).

Then we pray about the events that happened that day and for the events coming up. The age of your kids and their discipline level will dictate how long your prayer is, as well as the other parts of your routine, but we usually keep ours less than two minutes as our kids are pretty young. Sometimes I encourage a child to pray, and if they leave some things unsaid then either Tina or I will pray. The routine of prayer is what is important, not necessarily what is prayed about.

Then we sing two songs, what is called the sleepy-time song and the doxology (Ironically the doxology was meant to start the day, but it works better as a bedtime song). In a future blogpost I’ll share the sleepy-time song which needs some revision, but the routine certainly tells the kids it is bedtime.

Finally, everyone is encouraged to love on each other and then we head for bed. All snacking/drinking/chores are expected to be accomplished before this routine so it should truly close out the day. I have experimented with visiting children in their bedrooms to review the day, and sometimes this is well received and other times it riles them up. Like I said, your routine should be your own.

These routines are doing more than establishing that it is bedtime. I hope that they will be fostering discipline, displaying order, ensuring there is a time for reading and prayer in the day, and encouraging bonding.

These especially help when one of us cannot be at bedtime, such as for work or other commitment. The routine doesn’t take the place of the absent parent, but it establishes a precedent that just because something is different, the plan is the same. God’s plan is perfect, and while our circumstances and location may change, our relationship with God and our worship should continue in Christ. Even when we need to fly through this routine in a few minutes it still has the desired effect of establishing bedtime.

When Daniel was in exile and the law came down that no-one could worship anyone other than the king, he did not hesitate to pick up his routine of praying (Daniel 6:10), because it was what he had trained himself to do, and it had fostered a courage in God that could not be shaken. I pray that my children will forever read their Bibles, sing praises to the true King, pray, and love each other, no matter what else in their life changes.

Punishment Versus Correction

You should never punish your children. That is not a cunning statement, don’t read it any other way than it is written. You SHOULD NEVER punish your children.

We have a “Get Along Chair” sometimes called a “Work it Out Chair” where many a time you can find two or more of our children banished from their freedom in order to enjoy their sibling and talk in a reasoned and close conversation. Is that punishment? Heaven forbid they would equate spending time with one another and working through struggles as punishment!

If my children grow up to see that chair as punishment, then I will have failed. It is CORRECTION, DISCIPLINE, REPROOF, CHASTISEMENT, and it is meant to take an unacceptable behavior—such as disagreeing with your sibling and resorting to violence to get your way—and replace it with an acceptable behavior aimed at the heart—in this case talking through problems, recognizing that their relationship with their brother or sister is more important than a toy, and that reconciliation is better than strife. Likewise, your children should not see your discipline as punishment, and you ought not be punishing your children. The discipline of a parent should always be aimed at correcting behavior and emphasizing grace, mercy, and justice in the child’s life.

And what does God say about this? A lot, unsurprisingly.

First, punishment is not meant for correction, punishment is purely punitive and sums up the justice in the quip, “Justice is when we get what we deserve, mercy is when we don’t get what we deserve, and grace is when we get what we don’t deserve.” Every sinner deserves justice, and your children should know well the commands of Leviticus 20:9 and Deuteronomy 21:18-21 concerning the stoning of disobedient children. Justice demands punishment, but love covers a multitude of sins. Someone will or already has paid for your child’s sin, either your child will pay for it for eternity, or Jesus paid for it on Calvary. Note the way Jesus speaks of Hell, “and these will go away into eternal PUNISHMENT (Matt 25:46, emphasis mine).”

Next, punishment is not your job. “Vengeance is mine: I will repay (Rom 12:19, et al)!” says God. Your job is to describe God’s law, his grace, and his wrath and to provide goading correction along the way. Even if it were your job to punish your child, your punishment is weak and unjust and ineffective and incomplete and imperfect, Jesus said, “Do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul, rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in Hell (Matt 10:28).”

Thirdly, your job is to keep your children from punishment. "It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the Living God (Hebrews 10:31)!" It is your job to teach them God's law and his grace so that they will hear and respond to the call of Jesus Christ to come. It is your job to teach them that there are consequences for disobedience and that someday God will no longer strive with them and that the patience of God is a temporary salvation granting them opportunity to find lasting salvation in the cross of Christ.

Lastly, punishment is not loving, it is entirely devoid of love and is entirely wrath, thank God that for all of the responsibilities he has bestowed on us, this is not one of them. Remember, there is no fear in love, because perfect love casts out all fear, why? “Fear has to do with punishment (1 John 4:18).” Your job is to love your children, and punishment is devoid of love. Rather, listen to what Jesus said of some severe affliction he was placing on his church, “those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent (Rev 3:19)!”

This is not a systematic theology on discipline and punishment, there are far more passages to study and consider (cf. Hebrews 12:5-11ff, Prov 13:24, Prov 23:13, etc, etc). However, beloved, this is an exhortation to consider how you are responding to your children. Do they consider it harsh punishment (there is a whole sermon there on how Cain received his reproof (Gen 4:13)) or do they consider it painful loving discipline?

Do they welcome correction or do their scorn it? One of your jobs is to teach your child to love correction and so that when he receives it from men he will be better for it, and when he receives it from God he will repent and rejoice that he has a heavenly father who cares for his eternal soul.

And please remember, you should never punish your children.

Reprove a wise man, and he will love you. ~ Proverbs 9:8

Discipline Starts in the Parents

This is the first in a long line of parenting posts I have been considering. It will deal with where child raising begins, which is in the parents. I have been convicted and have been praying about changing the direction of my webpresence. Historically I have focused on theology and evangelism with a bit of application sprinkled in. I have decided to change the focus to an application driven blog laid on a foundation of theology.

One of the reasons this transition has been so long in coming is because in my own authority and wisdom I am not a perfect father, far from it. But in the grace of God, and by his authority, and through his Word, and the godly wisdom of great saints I have been endowed with the authority and wisdom to offer some advice and administer some commands to parents struggling with parenting or who recognize that they have room to grow.

This blog is inspired and titled by my dear pastor from Florida, Randy Kuhn. He told me on more than one occasion and it has stuck, “Discipline starts in the parents.” Let me tell you again, if you only get one thing out of this: Discipline starts in the parents!

I’ve read more parent-help books than I’d care to admit, and very few have been without something helpful, but I’ve noticed the trend that they are all focused on the child’s heart, or the child’s behavior, or correction techniques, or tips & tricks, or presenting the Bible in just the right way. I am not against these things, but they are not the fix you’re looking for, and it’s why so many parents have “tried the techniques” and are still not seeing results in their children.

I recently came to an epiphany—if you can come to an epiphany—that teaching discipline is not a feat that can be accomplished by listening to one sermon, attending one Bible study, writing one dissertation, or talking with one family that has it right: it requires training of the heart that is made effective through practice (cf. Philemon 6, Deuteronomy 6:7, Proverbs 22:6). This applies to parents and to children, and requires constant practice, and Christian parents have a benefit that children rarely have, and that being the Holy Spirit (cf. Philippians 1:6). One of the wonders of Christianity is that God uses the personalities of men in conjunction with the working of his power, and those personalities are formed long before we walk with God. I am blessed to have a work ethic that was ingrained in me from a young age. I remember being four years old building a house with my father, and throughout my entire childhood working on all sorts of equipment with him, and as an adult working well into the night to finish a tile floor just days before I joined the Air Force. But get this, my father is not a believer (I am deeply appreciative of your prayers for him), and neither was I until my third year in the Air Force. But I still see that work ethic (honed in the gospel) find its way to the forefront of my life time and time again.

I am daily tempted to not hold my children to a high standard considering that they are little sinners enslaved in their sin who daily scorn the Saviour’s love. But, beloved, my temptation is not the truth! Throughout scripture we read of fathers training up children in the truth long before they met Christ. Time would fail a full list, but I will briefly name Jacob, Manasseh, and the prodigal Son who were well served by godly upbringings prior to their reconciliation with God. I chose to include Manasseh on that list, and would also put forward Samson, as examples who went far astray, but who returned to the God of their father’s before the end. I cannot promise you an easy upbringing of your children, but I can promise you the peace beyond all understanding that comes in knowing and resting in Christ and his work, and walking the path he laid out before time for you.

This discipline must be constant and predictable. I am in a slightly more elevated observation point than many in that we have six children. If you have one or two you might not notice the damage done by letting a child get away with an infraction because it probably doesn’t instantly cause other issues. But with six, if I let one disobedience slip I’ll see the instant ramifications in one of two ways, either the other five will start to act up, or one of the other five will complain about the unfairness of the injustice.

Loved ones, if you follow a Tedd Tripp book or an Elizabeth Krueger book or a Focus on the Family book or a Ken Ham book or a Ray Comfort book…or any other book…what I would ask you to do is stick with the principles in those book(s) that align with the Scriptures (namely Proverbs which spends much more time in childrearing than most parents realize). You’re not going to find a trick in any of those books (even Proverbs) that is going to give you a quick fix, and it is bordering on provoking your kids to anger to continually change tactics, requirements, and methods on them. Speak with godly counsel, read Proverbs, and make your plan, then stick with it. There is, of course, room for modification, but not a single discipline method can work if you don’t have the discipline to stick with it.

Discipline in the parents requires you to be disciplined in three areas: 1. Striving to grow closer to Christ yourself. 2. Training your children up in the fear and admonition of the Lord. 3. Providing correction when they sin.

In closing, I want to emphasize that this is not easy and there is no checklist, you must make this decision now to be disciplined in your parenting. Matt Chandler exhorted fathers once that it is a father’s job to be exhausted. Having that mindset has been freeing to work hard and press through tiredness; likewise it is your job to be disciplined and administer discipline. Don’t worry about what this does to your friendship with your children, you’re called to lead them to Christ, not to be their friend. You can be their friend when they are your brother or sister in the faith, but now you are called to embark on the exhausting, relentless, and rewarding journey of being a disciplined parent.