Punishment Versus Correction

You should never punish your children. That is not a cunning statement, don’t read it any other way than it is written. You SHOULD NEVER punish your children.

We have a “Get Along Chair” sometimes called a “Work it Out Chair” where many a time you can find two or more of our children banished from their freedom in order to enjoy their sibling and talk in a reasoned and close conversation. Is that punishment? Heaven forbid they would equate spending time with one another and working through struggles as punishment!

If my children grow up to see that chair as punishment, then I will have failed. It is CORRECTION, DISCIPLINE, REPROOF, CHASTISEMENT, and it is meant to take an unacceptable behavior—such as disagreeing with your sibling and resorting to violence to get your way—and replace it with an acceptable behavior aimed at the heart—in this case talking through problems, recognizing that their relationship with their brother or sister is more important than a toy, and that reconciliation is better than strife. Likewise, your children should not see your discipline as punishment, and you ought not be punishing your children. The discipline of a parent should always be aimed at correcting behavior and emphasizing grace, mercy, and justice in the child’s life.

And what does God say about this? A lot, unsurprisingly.

First, punishment is not meant for correction, punishment is purely punitive and sums up the justice in the quip, “Justice is when we get what we deserve, mercy is when we don’t get what we deserve, and grace is when we get what we don’t deserve.” Every sinner deserves justice, and your children should know well the commands of Leviticus 20:9 and Deuteronomy 21:18-21 concerning the stoning of disobedient children. Justice demands punishment, but love covers a multitude of sins. Someone will or already has paid for your child’s sin, either your child will pay for it for eternity, or Jesus paid for it on Calvary. Note the way Jesus speaks of Hell, “and these will go away into eternal PUNISHMENT (Matt 25:46, emphasis mine).”

Next, punishment is not your job. “Vengeance is mine: I will repay (Rom 12:19, et al)!” says God. Your job is to describe God’s law, his grace, and his wrath and to provide goading correction along the way. Even if it were your job to punish your child, your punishment is weak and unjust and ineffective and incomplete and imperfect, Jesus said, “Do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul, rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in Hell (Matt 10:28).”

Thirdly, your job is to keep your children from punishment. "It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the Living God (Hebrews 10:31)!" It is your job to teach them God's law and his grace so that they will hear and respond to the call of Jesus Christ to come. It is your job to teach them that there are consequences for disobedience and that someday God will no longer strive with them and that the patience of God is a temporary salvation granting them opportunity to find lasting salvation in the cross of Christ.

Lastly, punishment is not loving, it is entirely devoid of love and is entirely wrath, thank God that for all of the responsibilities he has bestowed on us, this is not one of them. Remember, there is no fear in love, because perfect love casts out all fear, why? “Fear has to do with punishment (1 John 4:18).” Your job is to love your children, and punishment is devoid of love. Rather, listen to what Jesus said of some severe affliction he was placing on his church, “those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent (Rev 3:19)!”

This is not a systematic theology on discipline and punishment, there are far more passages to study and consider (cf. Hebrews 12:5-11ff, Prov 13:24, Prov 23:13, etc, etc). However, beloved, this is an exhortation to consider how you are responding to your children. Do they consider it harsh punishment (there is a whole sermon there on how Cain received his reproof (Gen 4:13)) or do they consider it painful loving discipline?

Do they welcome correction or do their scorn it? One of your jobs is to teach your child to love correction and so that when he receives it from men he will be better for it, and when he receives it from God he will repent and rejoice that he has a heavenly father who cares for his eternal soul.

And please remember, you should never punish your children.

Reprove a wise man, and he will love you. ~ Proverbs 9:8