Gentle and Lowly: False Hope for Itching Ears (A Review)

Introduction

As a Biblical Counselor I was shocked to find Gentle and Lowly by Dane Ortlund at the top of the 2020 Association of Certified Biblical Counseling (ACBC) list. I’ve lost Facebook friends and been banned from a popular—albeit less helpful than it used to be—group of biblical counselors merely for questioning whether anyone agreed with Dane Ortlund’s treatment of Hebrews 5 and stating that I saw merit in the Grace to You (GTY) article which raised red flags concerning the book's helpfulness. Originally I began to write a review in mid-2020, but deemed the GTY article sufficient enough of a warning, and I did not intend to finish this article, but since the GTY article has been inexplicably removed, I felt it necessary to declare a warning against this book: This book is unhelpful and heretical and should not be used in counseling, Bible study, counseling classes, or church.

There is strange affinity towards this book from people who otherwise could be considered solid; my expectation is that this affinity is to remain on good terms with Crossway and the Gospel Coalition (TGC), or more likely because the community as a whole has been seared to biblical discernment by decades of drivel coming from celebrity pastors. My initial cursory reading of this book led me to completely reject it on biblical grounds. In order to write this review I’ve accomplished an in-depth read-through, knowing that I may lose more friends and/or never be published by Crossway and/or never be invited to write or preach for TGC (which looks like it’s closed down anyways), it seems prudent to compile and post my warnings.

There are plenty of cautions out there concerning the author's father, Ray Ortund, but there is a great warning in this quote regarding the nepotism that perhaps has made this book so popular, “If you disparage one of my sons’ books, I might mute you. You are sincere, I’m sure. But I need solidly uplifting voices in my life.” Not biblical, but uplifting; not uplifting Jesus, but uplifting Ortlund. It’s no surprise then that Dane Ortlund would follow such error, “[My father] taught my siblings and me sound doctrine as we were growing up…” (p100) For all reading this, but especially for Ray Ortlund, I implore you to read Psalm 2:12 and consider which son you should be defending, if their opinions differ. Consider also Proverbs 5:12 and it's context.

My editing is far from complete, and this is not meant to be a comprehensive rebuke and warning of the entire book, but to give the main points of contention and support them with quotes from the book. After working for far too long to produce a piece full of paragraphs and transitions, I finally decided that the facts are here, and while it’s not the most readable thing I’ve written, I trust it will sufficiently warn the flock and the under-shepherds of this wolf in Shepherd’s clothing.

I’ve grouped my concerns into five categories. First, I want to look at the foundation of the book, Puritanism versus biblical exegesis, second is the gnostic (think secret/mysterious/code reading of the Bible) language it is written in, third is how Ortlund pits the Bible against itself, fourth is a rejection of responsibility for sin by emphasizing victimhood of sin, and fifth and finally is a nearly complete lack of the biblical gospel.

Not all that is Puritan is Gold

Halfway through the book I had the thought, “No one could ever come up with this book by reading their Bible,” and Ortlund agrees, pointing out that the book was birthed from Puritan writings (p14). Granted, there are many great Puritans, but the title of Puritan carries far more weight than the actual writings of the Puritans. I once said in a class on the Puritans, “John Owen takes forever to say nothing.” Puritanism is as wide and varied as 1600’s Christianity; the modern equivalents might be Southern Baptists where an overview would give you Albert Mohler and Adrian Rogers on one side and Ed Young Jr. and Steven Furtick on the other; in four hundred years I wouldn’t be surprised to see Charles Spurgeon and John MacArthur lumped into Southern Baptist quotes, though neither hold that affiliation. In Puritanism you have undeniable heretics like Richard Baxter, controversial figures like Isaac Watts, and you have solid ministers like John Bunyan. Just because someone lived during the time of the Puritans doesn’t make them a solid Bible teacher; and they shouldn’t be quoted on par with scripture (Ortlund addresses this on page 14, but the rest of the book brings serious doubt to the authority of scripture in his life). Now I’m not saying that John Owen and Thomas Goodwin are the equivalent of Steven Furtick or Richard Baxter, but they’re certainly not on par with John Bunyan or Alistair Begg.

But Ortlund doesn’t even rightly represent the Puritan’s correctly, for example Jonathan Edwards said, “There is no love so great and so wonderful as that which is in the heart of Christ.” But Ortlund gives this commentary, which Edwards certainly would have thrown out, “The first thing out of Jonathan Edwards’s mouth, in exhorting the kids in his church to love Jesus more than everything else this world can offer, is the heart of Christ.” (p96) Do you see it? Edwards was focused on the person and work of Christ but Ortlund twists this quote to press his agenda.

And even when he rightly represents the Puritans, he quotes them when they’ve misrepresented scripture; for example Goodwin holds to the heresy that God hates the sin but loves the sinner (consider Revelation 21:8, among others), which Ortlund latches onto, “Yes, God has hatred, Goodwin says—toward sin.” (p168)

In our age, there is a strange magnetism towards the Puritans, and while we can certainly learn from the writings of godly men, not all Puritans are godly or correct. Richard Sibbes, who I have gleaned from in the past, makes this error, “Christ is nothing but pure grace clothed with our nature,” (quoted p177) when Christ is much more than grace, he is truth and righteousness and Saviour and Judge and an entire Bible full of attributes…compound that to the language of Sibbes is far from clear on what our nature is.

So beloved, reject Gentle and Lowly on its authority alone; anything that elevates the teachings of men over the teaching of God should be rejected immediately. Even if this misattributed authority were orthodox (consider Revelation 19:10)—which Gentle and Lowly is far from Orthodox—the reader should be exhorted by scripture and the man of God to worship God and listen to the testimony of Jesus! But Gentle and Lowly is not orthodox, instead it teaches an unconcealed Gnosticism.

Gnostic Leanings

Gnosticism is the idea and teaching that there are secret things in the Bible that should receive special attention, require special revelation, or specific prophets to see. Dane Ortlund unapologetically makes this error by using Matthew 11:29 as his hermeneutical key to the entire Bible. The problem with using one verse to interpret the entire Bible is that this verse wasn’t around for the writing of the majority of the Bible. Scripture should interpret scripture, but from the clear to the unclear; A great question to ask on every passage you study is, “What would be lost if this verse weren’t in the Bible?” This is a serious question to ask of thousands of years of believers who trusted God for salvation before Matthew penned what we now call Matthew 11:29. If this verse is truly the key to knowing Christ like Ortlund proposes over and over, then why wasn’t it recorded closer to Genesis 1:1? Rather, the gospel does not stand or fall on a single verse, compare from the beginning (cf. Genesis 3:15, Deuteronomy 18:18, 1 Samuel 2:25, Psalm 34:6, Isaiah 53:3-12, Zechariah 13:1, and thousands more) that God is not hiding the need for a Messiah or the salvific nature of the Son of God and Son of Man to be the propitiation for sin and the righteousness which are both required for reconciliation with God.

Instead of falling on scriptural promises or the exhortations of two-millennia of church history since Matthew penned his gospel, Ortlund takes a deep dive down the rabbit hole of a hidden, secret, deep magic of one verse (that I (and Jesus) would say doesn’t even say what he says it says.) The context of the keynote verse of the book is Matthew 11:29, which is in response to rejecting the Son of God. As I reread Ortlund’s book, I said incredulously and made a vocal outburst in a café, “No one who likes this book knows the context of Jesus’s statement.”

Consider this gnostic language from quotes from the book. I disagree with all of Ortlund’s conclusions; I’ve included some commentary:

“As we zero in on the affectionate heart of Christ, how do we ensure that we are growing in a healthy understanding…?” (p28, emphasis mine)

“…who God actually is.” (p14, emphasis mine)

“Do you know his deepest heart for you?” (p16 emphasis mine)

“There’s only one place where Jesus tells us about his own heart.” (p17, A very large and very real reason Jesus came is expressed in John 1:18, “the only God, who is at the Father’s side, he has made him known.” That Jesus is showing exactly who he is—and who is Father is—through his actions, not through one verse misapplied)

“In the one place in the Bible where the Son of God pulls back the vail and lets us peer way down into the core of who he is…” (p18, emphasis mine, compare again: John 1:18, 17:17, Heb 12:1-2)

“Only as we drink down the kindness of the heart of Christ…” (p22, emphasis mine)

“What he is, he does.” (p25, Consider elsewhere that what he does is flip tables, cleanse the temple, curse a fig tree, berate Pharisees, and hide the truth in parables… amongst many other things, and what he is, he surely does, cf. esp. Revelation 19:11)

“The leper was asking about Jesus’s deepest desire. And Jesus revealed his deepest desire by healing him.” (p25, emphasis mine, Jesus deepest desire is to glorify the Father, not every desire is his deepest, cf. Matthew 6:33)

“Simply seeing the helplessness of the throngs, pity ignites.” (p26, Jesus was driven by completing his mission, not by an internal instinct or whim)

“The Jesus given to us in the Gospels is not simply one who loves, but one who is love; merciful affections stream from his innermost heart as rays from the sun.” (p27, Jesus came to seek and save the lost)

“Deep into the heart of Christ” (p46, emphasis mine)

“He cannot bear to hold himself at a distance…His heart is too bound up with yours.” (p50, Jesus is not blown about by his emotions)

“Nothing can chain his affections to heaven; his heart is too swollen with endearing love.” (p55, Jesus is not at the mercy of his emotions)

“As we go down into pain and anguish, we are descending ever deeper into Christ’s very heart, not away from it.” (p57, emphasis mine, While I agree completely that God is redeeming pain and anguish for his glory (cf: Romans 8:28-29) my question for Ortlund would be should we seek out suffering for the benefit of knowing Christ better?)

“IT IS PROBABLY IMPOSSIBLE to conceive of the horror of hell…that will sweep over those found on the last day to be out of Christ.” (p67, EMPHASIS ORIGINAL, Further, what is “out of Christ”?, it sounds like something someone who has heard about the Bible would say, not someone who has read it (cf. esp. Ephesians 1-2), see also page 68, 143)

“When we come to Christ, we are startled by the beauty of his welcoming heart. The surprise is itself what draws us in.” (p98)

“…he approaches us on our own terms and befriends us for both his and our mutual delight.” (p119, He does not need anything, if he were hungry or lonely or needing delight, he would not tell you.)

“If you catch God off guard, what leaps out most freely is blessing.” (p140-141, So many problems with providence and sovereignty, but especially that God is going to exude blessing in a startled state…consider the only two verses I know of that remotely hint that God may be caught unawares speak of the terror of his wrath and his rebuke: Psalm 73:20 & Mark 4:38-41)

Pitting Bible against Bible

Because Ortlund derives so much of his hermeneutic not from the scriptures, but from his own interpretation of one verse, it is no surprise that he finds contradictions throughout the scripture.

“But in only one place. . .do we hear Jesus himself open up to us his very heart.” (p18, many other authors have noted that the incarnate Jesus’ first and last command are, “Repent” (Mark 1:15, Revelation 3:19), as well as reiterated throughout the gospels and New Testament; if Matthew 11:29 is so important for understanding the rest of the Bible and who Jesus is, then it is extremely odd that John, Mark, Luke, Paul, Peter, and the Holy Spirit chose to omit)

“The posture most natural to him is not a pointed finger but open arms.” (p19, compare Matt 23, and find a place in scripture where Christ was able to welcome someone with open arms. If we want to play some sort of middle-knowledge game and assume men could humble themselves and seek Jesus apart from his cleansing and intercession them, then perhaps men could be welcomed, but then we run into the problem of Jesus never coming to earth if men could save themselves (Cf. Galatians 2:21)…so his most natural (to use this heretical language) posture is that of Suffering Saviour)

“If we are asked to say only one thing about who Jesus is, we would be honoring Jesus’s own teaching if our answer is, gentle and lowly.” (p21, emphasis original, again, scripture is clear that this is not his only attribute)

“He can’t un-gentle himself toward his own…” (p21, Jesus is in the posture of wounding and binding (Isaiah 30:26, Hosea 6:1, et al); so what about discipline? We know that the reproof of the Lord is not pleasant at the moment, but it does produce a fruit of righteousness and peace that are not to be repented of, my prayer is that Jesus would not be gentle, but that he would be efficient, measured, purposeful, and skilled, and he is! We’ll talk about “his own” more as we consider the gospel-lite nature of the book.)

“It is what gets him out of bed in the morning.” (p23, emphasis mine, God doesn’t sleep, his purpose is his glory.)

“This is the one whose deepest heart is, more than anything else, gentle and lowly.” (p24, emphasis original, compare Isaiah 63 and those who will face Christ scorned and receive his wrath for eternity.)

“We are apt to think that he, being so holy, is therefore of a severe and sour disposition against sinners, and not able to bear them. ‘No,’ says he; ‘I am meek; gentleness is my nature and temper.’” (p23, This same Jesus also said, “You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the Wrath to Come” (Matthew 3:7))

“Twice in the Gospels we are told that Jesus broke down and wept.” (p26, emphasis mine, Never in the gospels are we told that Jesus broke down)

“It is impossible for the affectionate heart of Christ to be overcelebrated, made too much of, exaggerated.” (P29, emphasis original, Jeremiah disagrees and despises those who declare “Peace, Peace!” when there is no peace, not on earth, not between man and nature, not between man and man, not between nation and nation, and certainly not between God and man)

On page 52, Ortlund is so desperate to find a proof text that he quotes Hebrews 5:1-4 as about Jesus, when it is not, it only begins to be about Jesus in verse 5.

“Jesus Christ was sinlessly weak (cf. 2 Cor. 13:5).” (p57, see 2 Cor 13:3, Jesus Christ is not weak, meek does not mean weak, it is a faithful saying that in order to be meek you have to have real power to maim, kill, destroy, coerce, and rule, otherwise you are not meek, you are weak)

“It’s the only way he knows how to be.” (p57, compare Revelation 1-3 and the entirety of the Bible)

“a rare glimpse” (p73, unless you’re reading your Bible)

“Should we envision the Son as gentle and lowly but the Father as something else?” (p127, This eisegesis of forcing one verse to drown out 31,101 other verses is troubling and dangerous, if the Father is gentle and lowly only then we have no need to read verses like Proverbs 1:7: The Fear of God is the beginning of Wisdom)

“But at the theological bull’s-eye of the whole book, we are told that God does not bring such pain ‘from his heart.’” (p138, then where does pain come from, and is there supposedly joy to come out of being afflicted some other way?)

“God is rich in mercy. He doesn’t withhold mercy from some kinds of sinners while extending it to others…his heart gushes forth mercy to sinners one and all.” (p177, What about those it doesn’t? Are all saved? Are all victims of some historical sin that they themselves are not a part of? Or is God just in holding sins against sinners?)

Victimhood Versus Sin

The most dangerous, if I could pinpoint the most dangerous part of the book, is that it rejects that sinners—in their very nature—are not deserving of gentleness or restraint, but are deserving of the full, undiluted, infinite and eternal wrath of God.

If we aren’t in immanent danger because Jesus loves us so much and is doing everything possible to save us, then of course a jesus who just wants to give us a hug makes sense, but the truth is: we aren’t victims, we’re perpetrators, we’re not witnesses to the crucifixion, we’re orchestrators.

Consider some quotes that would make Charles Finney wince for their heresy.

“Open yourself up to him. It is all he needs.” (p20, why the cross? Poor little Pelagian Jesus who has done his best and now needs you to do the rest)

“Jesus Christ’s desire that you find rest, that you come in out of the storm, outstrips even your own.” (p21, The question then, of course, is why so many are lost and why Jesus has a small, difficult path that leads to Heaven and a broad well-paved well-marked highway leading to Hell?)

“Your very burden is what qualifies you to come.” (p20, This is bordering on Works Righteousness, and a painful misunderstanding a very astute Jonathan Edwards quote)

“But for the penitent, his heart of gentleness is never out-matched…” (p21, Cf. two verses earlier: Matt 11:27, “whom the Son chooses to reveal him.” Penitence doesn’t open eyes or hearts, and it is not how you participate in the propitiated gentleness of the Father and the Son)

“He never tires of sweeping us into his tender embrace.” (p23, Cf. Jeremiah 3 and the divorce of Israel)

“We cannot avoid the conclusion that it is the very fallenness which he came to undo that is most irresistibly attractive to him.” (p30, If we can’t avoid that conclusion, then why would we avoid the conclusion that he could have stopped the fall but didn’t?! But the conclusion is false, because what is most attractive to Jesus is the joy and glory in being both Righteous and Saviour (cf. Isaiah 45:21-22))

“The same one who reached out and touched lepers puts his arm around us today when we feel misunderstood and sidelined.” (p32)

“He wants us to draw on his grace and mercy because it is who he is.” (p36, he is a consuming fire (Hebrews 12:29) and a jealous God (Deut 4:24))

“Jesus Christ is comforted when you draw from the riches of his atoning work, because his own body is getting healed.” (41, Jesus isn’t broken, compare Acts 7 and Stephen)

On page 63-64, concerning the fictitious exchange between Christ and a generalized seeker, every reader should be screaming: ‘Where is the cross?!’; While the cross does appear sporadically throughout the book, it is clear that Orlund does not understand its power, and here describes a sinner saved by a sympathetic jesus who is willing to take a sinner just as he is without any atonement or righteousness or propitiation or blood-shed.

“To those who do belong to him, sins evoke [in God] holy longing, holy love, holy tenderness.” (p70, [Clarification Added], A cursory reading of Revelation 2-3 would say otherwise, him seeking not to coddle the sinning believer, but to sanctify him)

“We all tend to have some small pocket of our life where we have difficulty believing the forgiveness of God reaches.” (p83, Ortlund’s hermeneutic can only promise half a gospel, that God forgives, but not to the uttermost)

“The only qualification needed is desire.” (p89, If this is true then Jesus spoke very deficiently when he said things like, “Repent and Believe the Gospel.” This quote of Ortlund's is similar to, but so much less powerful than, Joseph Hart's Come Ye Sinners Poor and Needy, “But to feel your need of him”, because Ortlund is so mired in victimhood that he ignores that Christ is the source not only of forgiveness, but of righteousness and fellowship as well)

“embraces the penitent with more openness that we are able to feel.” (p99, because your greatest need in Ortlund’s universe is a divine hug)

“…Romance the heart of Jesus…Allow yourself to be allured.” (p99, emphasis original, As I read this section, I thought about the fruit of this book; this sort of language will NOT produce glorious older saints who seek the will of God from the scriptures and exhort with all authority those they encounter, but who lean (if they lean on Jesus at all) on platitudes and “Jesus-is-my-girlfriend” language gleaned from secular Christian radio rather than the heart of God)

“Jesus wants to come in to you—wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, naked you---and enjoy meals together. Spend time with you. Deepen the acquaintance.” (p116, Except Jesus is actively rejecting this church quoted from Revelation 3:14-22)

“Christ not only heals our feelings of rejection…” (p118, Here is my sarcasm: because feelings of rejection are our greatest need and what was in the cup that Christ pleaded with his Father to remove if there was any way? You’re not a victim of sin, you’re a sinner rejected by the Living Christ)

“It looks like a Middle Eastern carpenter restoring men’s and women’s dignity and humanity and health and conscience through healings and exorcisms and teaching and hugging and forgiving.” (p169, this jesus is spelled with lower-case because he does not exist, cf. 2 Corinthians 11:3-4, and is certainly not the Carpenter described in the Bible)

“It means the things about you that make you cringe most, make him hug hardest.” (p179…not sanctify or reprove or justify or glorify…hug)

“Maybe you have been deeply mistreated. Misunderstood. Betrayed by the one person you should have been able to trust. Abandoned. Taken advantage of. Perhaps you carry a pain that will never heal till you are dead.” (p179)

“Paul’s deepest burden is our present security…” (p193, Paul’s deepest burden is the glory of God)

“His heart was gentle and lowly toward us when we were lost.” (p194, Alistair Begg has a wonderful quote stating without a read anger, a real wrath, the cross is robbed of it’s meaning.” Was Jesus gentle and lowly towards us when we were “children of wrath”? See Ephesians 2:1-10)

“Only a soul in Christ would be troubled at offending him.” (p194, what about 2 Corinthians 7:10, what about millions who think their good deeds are keeping them in God’s good graces?)

Lack of the Gospel

It could probably go without saying that a book so antithetical to scripture would not provide a way to enter into Heaven or the good graces God, but if you’ve read this far, let me prove it to you. Are these coming from the heart of Christ revealed in the scriptures, or the heart of Dane Ortlund?

“You might know that Christ died and rose again on your behalf to rinse you clean of all your sin…” (p15-16 emphasis mine)

“generally avoiding deep fellowship with him, out of a muted understanding of his heart.” (p22, emphasis mine, did Jesus die for misunderstood people even while they were muted (Compare Romans 5:8))

“This book is written. . .for those of us who know God loves us but suspect we have deeply disappointed him.” (p13, this person doesn’t exist, despite some saying that this book has a niche readership, this person does not exist in the scriptures, as the problem is that a person who knows God loves them will be transformed by the love (Cf. 1 John 4:18 where this is a test of salvation))

“He was reversing the Jewish system.” (p31, missed the cross entirely)

“Christ as our heavenly mediator-that is, the one who clears away any reason for us to be unable to enjoy friendship with God…” (p37, while there is some truth in this statement, this is NOT what a mediator does)

“What keeps him from growing cold? The answer is, his heart.” (p66, The answer is the cross!)

“No such thing as grace” (p69, Gentle and Lowly is a weird Pelagian, oft Roman Catholic (RCC), book that claims that there is no such thing as grace because that’s RCC stuff? Grace abounds, and while it may be intangible, there certainly is such thing as grace and it’s amazing, and I hope someday Ortlund is able to taste it, feel it, and be saved by it!)

“What does it mean that Christ is a friend to sinners? At the very least, it means that he enjoys spending time with them…What he is really doing, at bottom, is pulling them into his heart.” (p114-115, except that they all left him.)

Chapter 12, titled “A Tender Friend” doesn’t even consider that a friend will die for another friend. If there is an easier place to tie the gospel together than Jesus, the Friend of Sinners, and his accolades of a man who lays down his life for his friends, I haven’t found it; but Ortlund didn’t see fit to include it. My written note on the last page of that chapter reads in bold red pen, “How dare he not touch on John 15:13!”

There is an assumed Christianity throughout the book, especially on page 167 that if you think you’re in Christ, you definitely get all of his blessings, there is no clarion call for repentance and faith or making your calling and election sure. “You’re that safe.” (p178, and you are that safe if you’re in Christ, but if you trust in the promises rather than the Saviour, you won’t meet a gentle and lowly jesus on the final day and you’ll be outside of his safe graces (cf Matthew 7:21-23))

“Do you know what Jesus does with those who squander his mercy? He pours out more mercy.” (p179, potentially, but should we then sin all the more? Or not trample his blood underfoot?)

“Repent and let him love you.” (p170, is this a quote from Pelagius, Arminius, Finney, Osteen, or Ortlund?)

“It means that our sins do not cause his love to take a hit. Our sins cause his love to surge forward all the more.” (p180, Our sins cause a separation between us and God; run to the cross, go reconcile with your brother)

“rinse muddy sinners clean and hug them into his own heart” (p191, You could reject the whole book on this one sentence alone…I think it was my second most angry moment reading this book; the first being the quote in the conclusion below)

“Open yourself up to him. Let him love you…Go to Jesus” (p216, a biblical invitation may have been in order here?)

“Whenever you feel stuck…most defeated…” (p216, because Jesus came to seek and save the victims?)

Conclusion

I’ll let Dane Ortlund close us with the most ridiculous sentence in the entire book: “This is a book about the heart of Christ and of God. What are we to do with this? The main answer is, nothing.” (p215)

Beloved, from Matthew 11:29 the answer is: “Yoke Yourself to Jesus!” Trust Christ! Know Christ! Enjoy Christ! Link your eternity with his!

What should you do with Gentle and Lowly? Toss it, read your Bible!

Hope in the Loss of a Baby

When a child dies the world is often left without words or hope. The loss of potential, of unconditional love, of the glimpse of innocence in a baby’s life is unfair, tragic, and unfathomable. Not only is the world left speechless, but so often is the church. Untimely death in a little one can leave us scrambling for words and shrinking back from support.

I hope to never see another tiny coffin, beloved, and I hope you never have to see one either. But at the same time, this world is broken and sin has ravaged every part of creation, and hope in the loss of a baby is far better than no hope! There is an estimate that 1 in 6 women have experienced a miscarriage, so this is far more prevalent than you may realize.

I am making this outline available because when confronted with this topic I could not find an outline that provided adequate hope for what I longed to give to the families. I am publishing this for two reasons, first, for ministers to know where to begin in this process, and second to provide hope for those who have no where else to look. If you are looking for hope the message begins just below, consider copying it over to your computer and inputting your child's name in all of the appropriate places. If you need prayer or counseling or anything please comment or send me a message on Facebook.

Ministers, please, by no means just print and preach this manuscript; rather personalize it, study it, verify the scriptures, believe it, and then use it to administer the healing power of the gospel to a mourning and distraught family. If you are led to strengthen it then I'd love to hear your changes.

Every situation is going to be different, but I hope and pray that this outline provides you with scriptural salve and hope and direction for your message. I have [bracketed] places where I think alternate readings or comments may be appropriate. Remember always that the resurrection of the living Christ is the only lasting hope that we can give, so if you take nothing else from this, remember that Jesus is the comma at the end of the death sentence.

This outline draws heavily from:

• Alcorn, Randy. Heaven. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House, 2007.
• Criswell, W.A. Criswell’s Guidebook for Pastors. Nashville: Broadman Press, 1980.
• Edwards, Jonathan. “Youth is Like a Flower Cut Down.” Sermon preached twice, Northhampton, MA, 1741, 1748.
• MacArthur, John. Safe in the Arms of God: Truth From Heaven About the Death of a Child. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2003.
• White, James. Grieving: Your Path Back to Peace. Minneapolis: Bethany House, 1997.
• Wickert, Dan. Infertility and Miscarriage. Lecture given at the Biblical Counseling Training Conference at Faith Church, Lafayette, IN.

MacArthur and White's books are both excellent resources to leave with the grieving family.

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“I shall go to him.” (2 Samuel 12:23)

Parents – [Write the father and mother’s name so you can easily remember them]

Siblings – [Write the sibling’s names and ages]

Prayer for Comfort: Father God, we are here to mourn the loss of such a gift as this baby [Replace baby with child’s name as often as appropriate]. We are heartbroken and our spirits faint within us, we beg you to give us comfort in this time and to weep along with us. Help us to remember our loved one fondly and to rejoice in the time we spent with him/her. Speak to us today and tell us your will, set our hope on the resurrection of the dead secured in the raising of your Son, Jesus Christ. Bless [Mother & Father] and [Siblings] and give us each an opportunity to grieve with them. Above all, set our affections on Heaven, where you promise to wipe away every tear. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Homily: It is only right when we face a tragedy of these proportions that we look to God and seek for answers, for truth, and for reasons for the death that exists in the world that would take such a beautiful life as this. The tragedy is magnified in the loss of a baby because the unfairness and brokenness of it all is keenly seen and understood by all. What’s worse, this is not a rare event, and all in this world are vulnerable to the pain we are feeling today. 

But God has not abandoned us in our time of need, he has given us answers and hope in the darkest of times.

One example that gives us hope is found in King David, an early king of Israel, when he had a newborn son. The child became very sick, and David fasted for him and prayed for his life for seven days, but on the seventh day, the baby died.

The servants who were caring for the child were whispering amongst themselves because King David did not yet know the terrible outcome, and they were afraid of what the news might do to the already distraught father. But David discerned their change of heart and asked if the child had died, and they confirmed. So David arose from the ground and washed himself and changed his clothes and ate. His servants could not believe it, because just moments before he had been weeping. David said, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, ‘Who knows whether the LORD will be gracious to me, that the child may live?’ But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.” (2 Samuel 15:15-23)

Repeat for Emphasis “I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.”

Another example that gives us hope is from the mouth of Jesus himself. Parents began to bring children to Jesus that he might lay his hands on them and pray, but his disciples rebuked them, but Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” And he laid his hands on them and went away. (Matthew 19:13-14)

Repeat for Emphasis “To such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”

In another place Jesus said in order to enter the kingdom of Heaven you have to become like a little child. (Matthew 18:1-6) The way I read those passages is that little children certainly go straight to Heaven. But why, then, did the child die? Was he/she being punished, were the parents being punished, was anybody being punished?

Someone asked just this question of Jesus regarding a man who had been born blind. He had suffered and been afflicted for his whole life, but Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.” (John 9:1-3)

Sometimes God acts in events like this not as a punishment, but so that his glory may be shown in the power of his gospel and in the redemption of his love. He promises to work all things together for good to those who love him and are called according to his purposes. Not that all things are good, this is certainly not good, but that he will work all things for good. A funeral is a place to be reminded of the preciousness of life, and the ever present overshadowing of death, but it is also a place to realize that God has overcome death and provided a way to Heaven, where I am certain that this little baby has entered.

But not everyone agrees with my interpretation of these texts. Some have seen David’s comments about going to the child as only David consoling himself apart from the authority of God, or simply the gloomy outcome that David would soon be dead and laid in the grave himself. Others have seen Jesus’ comments about little children as saying that you’re never too young to trust and obey him. While it is certainly true that you are never too young to know Jesus, I’m certain Jesus and David were looking forward to the glories of Heaven.

Because, David had another son, his name was Absalom. He turned against his father and became an enemy of Israel. Absalom embraced lying, murder, rebellion, and he died in a war against his father and against God in which 20,000 men lost their lives. When David heard the news of the death of Absalom, he was inconsolable. (2 Samuel 18:33-19:7)

Repeat for Emphasis When David heard the news of the death of Absalom, he was inconsolable.

David knew that by the grace of God he would see his infant son again in Heaven, but he also knew that by the righteous judgment of God that he would never see his wicked son Absalom again.

Let me take you to another passage that gives me great hope. Isaiah 11, biblical scholars agree that this is a picture of Heaven; the new creation brought on by the ministry of the Messiah.

The wolf shall dwell with the lamb,

And the leopard shall lie down with the young goat,

And the calf and the lion and the fattened calf together;

And a little child shall lead them.

The cow and the bear shall graze;

Their young shall lie down together;

And the lion shall eat straw like the ox.

The nursing child shall play over the hole of the cobra,

And the weaned child shall put his hand on the adder’s den.

They shall not hurt or destroy in all my holy mountain;

For the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the LORD as the waters cover the sea. (Isaiah 11:6-9)

This beautiful picture of the peace, safety, and comfort of Heaven is not expressed as a possibility, but as a fact. It’s not that a child could lead a lion, or could play with deadly snakes, but that a little child shall lead a lion, a nursing child shall play over the hole of a cobra, a weaned child shall put his hand on the adder’s den.

So beloved we have this great hope that this little one is in Heaven, we do not mourn as those who have no hope…but we do mourn…but we do have hope…and now we have a job to do.

[Parents], you have one precious child in Heaven, but you have [siblings] here on earth. Raise them with a fond memory of their departed [name] and point their eyes towards Heaven.

Dearly beloved gathered here, take care of this grieving family. Thank you so much for your love and support so far. I have heard from those who have been through this and they are always thankful for the support they received, but they likened it to ice-cream cones given on a hot day. Dozens of ice-cream cones on a hot day is a nice sentiment, but there is no way they can all be appreciated at once! Reach out over the coming weeks, months, and years to continue to offer your support and show your love!

We are assured that this little baby is certainly in Heaven. Beloved, above all I want to be sure that one day you can go to him/her. Many promises were made about the offspring of David, but we’ve seen the need for hope, not the source of it, in all of his immediate sons.

But far down the lineage another baby was born, a son of David. When he was born he was given three gifts: gold, frankincense, and myrrh. (Matthew 2:11) Gold and frankincense were gifts that made sense to give at a baby-shower, not only were they valuable, but many have seen in them the representation of earthly wealth and worship of the newborn king, but the gift of myrrh was a completely inappropriate gift to give at a baby shower, it was very foreboding…because myrrh was a funeral spice. The equivalent today would be giving a tiny coffin to new parents. It foretold the suffering and death of that child, but it also represented the exchange of his life for ours.

The Presentation of the Baby Jesus to Simeon - Artist Unknown

A few days later the parents of this baby, Mary and Joseph, were in the temple to dedicate the boy to God. They were met by a very wise and godly man named Simeon. He took the child and prophesied over him and worshiped him as the Messiah. But then he said something which would echo through the mind of Mary, the mother, for the rest of her life, “A sword will pierce through your own soul also.” (Luke 2:35)

This baby, Jesus of Nazareth, grew in wisdom, and stature, and favor with God and men. But those prophecies were fulfilled when he went to a cross to die for our sins; he was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief; as one from whom men hide their faces, he was despised and we esteemed him not. He bore our griefs and carried our sorrows, we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities, upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed. (Isaiah 53:3-6)

When David said he could not bring his son back, but he could go to him, a way needed to be opened to Heaven. Jesus said, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life, and no one comes to the Father except through me.” (John 14:6) All of those promises made to David and his offspring were fulfilled in Christ and the answer to all of them is “yes” in his resurrection.

We cannot bring this sweet baby back, but we can go to him/her. If he/she could send us a message from Heaven it might sound something like this:

[For a Baby who died after birth]

My life was full of love and joy,

Every day was wonder filled with smiles and new experiences

But, the love and joy and awesome wonder here is beyond compare

I cannot come to you, but you may come to me after your work on earth is done.

I love you and miss you and I remain,

Your little baby,

Safe in the arms of Jesus

[For a Baby who died before birth]

I so looked forward to meeting you,

Of seeing your face and feeling your touch,

But the first face I saw was the face of God

His embrace is tender and strong

I cannot come to you, but you may come to me

Our creator has loved us and made a way

And we may yet meet,

Your little baby

Safe in the arms of Jesus

Prayer for Hope Father God, we trust in your Word that this little one is safe in Heaven. We thank you for the love and comfort expressed in your words and for the great love by which you loved us by sending your Son to die in our place. We pray that you would show us the way not just back to peace, but to Heaven, and that we would not mourn as those who have no hope, for we have a great hope in the resurrection of your Son. But Father, we need your Spirit to put this hope in our hearts, to help us to love one another, and to remember fondly our sweet little baby, made in the image of God, loved and lost but not forgotten, until we may see him/her again. May his/her life bring great glory to your name and show many the way to Heaven, through Jesus’s Name, Amen.

Graveside Committal

Jesus said, “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.” “I am the way and the truth and the life, no one comes to the Father except through me.” He continued, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” (John 14:1-6, 27)

Augustine wrote, “We have not lost our dear ones who have departed from this life, but have merely sent them ahead of us, so we also shall depart and shall come to that life where they will be more than ever dear as they will be better known to us, and where we shall love them without fear of parting.”

Prayer for Committal Father, we have gathered here to commit to rest the body of our beloved [name]. We are thankful for his/her life and we mourn for him/her. We trust your Word that he/she is safe in Heaven, and though we long to go and be with him/her, we will wait on your providence to reunite us. Father, as we gather in this solemn place we do not sorrow as those who have no hope, for our hope is in Jesus Christ. We ask that you would comfort each family member and friend. May they be comforted by your Word, encouraged through happy memories, and sustained by the hope of the resurrection in the final day. In Christ’s Name, Amen.

Biblical Marriage Counseling

Years ago, completely inundated and flustered and frustrated with the ridiculousness that passes for “Christian” and “Biblical” Marriage counseling, I wrote the following on the simplest form of biblical marriage counseling:

Husband: Love your wife.
Wife: Respect your husband.
Which of you is not doing that?
Repent and start doing that.
End of counseling session.
No charge.

Many people were irate when I first wrote that and many undoubtedly will be irate today. It defies human wisdom and the vast majority of academia. Spurgeon said, “Men think themselves wiser than the Word of the Lord, and sit in judgment upon it.” Denying the simplicity of the godly wisdom of Ephesians 5:33 gives an excuse for those who have been to “biblical counseling” who are no better today than when they started, and often are worse. They think it’s not their fault, it’s not their counselor’s fault, but it is the failure of God’s Word.

And that’s a symptom of the current culture because most of what passes as biblical counseling is not biblical. One counselee described it, “it felt like those sessions were just scheduled times for my wife to blame me for all my faults.” Counselors get mired in symptoms and definitions and techniques and fail to teach the most basic tenets of biblical marriage. The feminization of pastoral counseling and chasing after the wind of secular counseling has resulted in a plethora of excuses and finger pointing.

Dan Phillips recently put it this way,

Q: What should be the consequences of a husband not loving his wife?
A: Fry his hind end, because it's all his fault.
Q: What should be the consequences of a wife not respecting her husband?
A: Fry his hind end, because it's all his fault.
#TheDiscussionThusFar

The Bible does not give the wife an option to stop respecting her husband because he is not respectable (see 1 Peter 3:1-2), nor does the husband have the option to stop loving his wife because she is unlovable (see Eph 5:25, Rom 5:8). And, despite what so many feminized counselors would say, don’t think that love means nice. Love means sacrifice and sanctification (see Rev 3:19).

It reminds me of one of my favorite parables which I have retold many times and expanded upon,

A wife, completely embittered and exasperated by her marriage, visits a divorce lawyer to explore her options. She spends the session explaining to the lawyer everything her husband has done wrong and why he has made her so miserable for so many years. She concludes by stating, “I want this divorce to hurt him as much as he has hurt me.” 

The lawyer, a devout feminist, with malice in her eyes responds, “Here’s what you need to do. Don’t tell your husband about the divorce for the next month. Over the next month we’re going to show him how great a woman he is losing, and we’ll really make his head spin when we take not just the kids, the house, and his pension, but his excellent wife as well. Here’s what you need to do:

• Everytime he does something hurtful don’t respond in kind.
• Everytime he does something thoughtful make sure you show your appreciation.
• Everytime he is a bad father hold your tongue and take that opportunity to love your kids.
• Everytime he is a good father make sure to notice and verbalize your approval to the kids.
• Everytime he misses an appointment or a dinner because of work, thank him for providing.
• Everytime he makes an appointment or a dinner, thank him for making time for the family.
• Everytime he fails to help around the house, step up and be his helper.
• Everytime he helps around the house notice it and thank him for his aid.
• Everytime he kisses you goodbye, kiss him back.
• Everytime he doesn’t kiss you goodbye, kiss him hello when he comes back.
• Everytime he forgets to pray for you, pray for him.
• Everytime he prays for you, thank him for his spiritual leadership.
• Everytime he says something stupid, discuss the topic with him.
• Everytime he says something profound, commend his wisdom.
• Etcetera: You get the point. 

The month goes by, then another month, and the lawyer starts to wonder. She calls her client and asks, “When are you going to come in to start the divorce?”

“Divorce?! I’m not divorcing him! Why would I divorce him? He’s the greatest husband and father in the world!”

Love begets respect and respect begets love. A lack of the one does not justify withholding the other.

Husband: love your wife. She doesn’t respect you? Love her anyways.

Wife: respect your husband. He doesn’t love you? Respect him anyways.

End of article.

No charge.