Pay Attention to Your Kids!

One of the most unexpectedly beneficial books I have read is called How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen by Joanna Faber. It is far from a biblical book, but it makes the point that many meltdowns from toddlers come from feeling not listened to and not being able to communicate.

That leads into this article, that one of the most important things we can do in our lives and for our children is focus our attention. I’m writing this article in the solitude of a café waiting for my next meeting at work, my attention is focused on writing. Human beings, despite our pride, are not—and never will be—good at multitasking. When I’m teaching or playing with my kids I make every attempt to be there fully, not pulled between work or my phone or writing. I recently attended an online conference for work and at several points I had to lock the door to the office because by dividing my attention between kids running in and the speaker on the screen led to both getting far less than even 50% of my attention.

Attention is so important in my life that I’m writing a dissertation on teaching it to the church. My primary text is Nehemiah 8, “And the ears of all the people were attentive to the Book of the Law…Ezra opened the book in the sight of all the people…and as he opened it all the people stood.” Long story short, the best way to hear God is by really being attentive to his Word, to remove distractions, and to realize the value in hearing, responding to, and applying it. This is reiterated over and over throughout the Bible, many preachers have pointed out that they have seminary degrees in preaching, but no-one ever receives a degree in listening, when the Bible teaches much more on listening than preaching (Boice, Piper, MacArthur, etc). Jesus said, “He who has ears to hear, let him hear (Luke 8:8).”

The importance of undivided attention cannot be overstated when listening to the Word of God. But that is not the only place you should learn to focus your attention. When interacting with people it is important as well. A child who doesn’t feel listened to is a child who is prone to feel out of control, unloved, and hopeless. Try it the next time you have a temper tantrum, hold the child until they are calm, then work through what they wanted and see if you can’t figure out how they were asking for it. 

One of the greatest joys in our life was the day, not so long ago, when our twins learned to buckle their own car seats. This is only partial hyperbole, it truly is a burden lifted not to always be climbing into the back of the car to latch them in. On Wednesday my attentive wife pulled out of the driveway and Titus cried out, “Oh no! You’re driving!” and proceeded to lose his little mind. It took a few moments but my wife encouraged him to use his words and all he could get out was, “I’m going to die!” A little more prodding and she discovered that, “I’m not buckled!” She was then able to pull over and get the troublesome latch buckled and he did not, in fact, die.

Now, being attentive to your spouse, your kids, your coworkers, and your Saviour can play out in a million ways and I’m not going to try to—nor could I—give you an authoritative list of do’s and don’ts. But I will give you a couple and some principles.

Notice in Nehemiah 8 the full attention of the people led them to “stand up” when the Word was read. This was not, as some have surmised, “out of respect for the reading of God’s Word”, this was to focus their attention on what they were about to do. Always stop what you’re doing when something worthy of your attention arises. 

Always stand up when greeting someone, always put your phone down when someone asks you a question, pause your podcast and remove your headphones (both!) if you need to speak to someone, close out your last conversation/project before starting the next one. Don't be easily distracted from an important task or conversation.

My two-year-old is in the “Come with/Come see” stage and she lifts her little hand up and squeezes to say grab my hand! I don’t want to squash that in the least so I happily grab her hand and go see. Just because it might not be groundbreaking to me doesn’t mean it’s not important to her, and I want to be involved in her growth and let her know that I pay attention to what is important to her.

So, beloved, take every opportunity to be focusing your attention, reject multi-tasking, and love your kids by listening to them and participating in their lives.